What do I wish happened today?

Interesting how the simplest of questions opens the door to the most loaded answers. Buckle up.

Definition of Wish=> (verb) feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen.

I wish that I would have had another belly laugh like I did this afternoon in a coworkers office. The laughter sprang from something so completely ridiculous but it struck both of us just right, we laughed until we were wiping tears and holding our stomachs.

I wish that I felt completely at ease with at least 1 person on the planet. Life is full of twists, turns, places and people but it would be so nice to feel like I REALLY connected with someone. You often hear about people having that 1 friend that they do not have to explain themselves to. They don't hide their feelings, worry about them misinterpreting what is said, never questioning what they think about you, their loyalty runs deep. You are fully accepted, with your meaningless text, off the wall thoughts, attempts to make them laugh, they are not competing with you and they don't make you feel that your existence to them is wishy washy. Can I not joke around or say certain things without having to read off a short disclaimer of,

“The views or opinions expressed in this conversation are not meant to offend any person and do not necessarily reflect or represent the views or opinions shared by the person delivering this comedic conversation. Due to the social nature of this amateur comedian, the expressed jargon cannot be held against the person as they are quick with words and come prepared for a gun fight. Entering into a sarcastic conversation and/or rabbit trails with this person should be done with the understanding that topics are only discussed in an effort to cultivate interesting conversations and does not warrant the true feelings that person may have. The conversating person’s jokes should not be taken literally, realizing that the moderator possesses more of a balanced, rational perspective that they are given credit for. With this new information, please refrain from being small minded, full of yourself assuming they intend humor as real life, accepting the playfulness as innocent and merely an avenue to brighten your day. Thank you.”

I feel anxious when I try to be myself and then feel that the other person took me wrong, is uncomfortable or I am just too much. If I try to explain or apologize, it would be nice not getting kicked off to the side and end the day feeling worse, like something is wrong with me. I do not think I am anything special at all, in fact, my opinion of myself is polar opposite. I know what a nothing I am, that is part of the reason I feel so mind blown that I do have friends. Haha Always seems like people get to know me a little, then I am the shock of their life with who I am but I am too much, so they likely find themselves questioning the attraction for a person like me as a friend. Life is a short, precious gift. Opening myself up to others is not difficult, letting them in closer is a harder hurdle to jump. Those that make it, I try to exhaust myself with. I want to give them my time, my effort, my acknowledgment, my honesty, my anything because I value them. I love talking with people often. I want those in my life to feel that I see them, I pay attention to them, I care about them and they matter to me. I don't strive for this so that I can get something out of it but every once in a while, I wish I could be valued by those that I so admire. Just for a minute.

I wish I could click out of the tabs that stay open in my brain all of the time. The last 6 months have not presented themselves as 'friends' to me with so much heartache that 95% of those I come in contact with no nothing about. Truthfully, there has only been 1 person I have felt comfortable enough with to completely confide in. I don't really know why I have been drawn to that person because I know that deep down my issues do not matter to them, I'm not even sure I matter to them, yet I did manage to divulge regardless. Always seemed as though the timing was right. Having a heavy load on my mind, this person would render themselves willing to listen, just before I would want to break. It's hard to explain the attachment you have with another person. My philosophy has always been that you can find common ground with anyone. I don't care who they are, what walk of life, you can find something in common with another human being. The person I dumped my problems on like a episode gone wrong for Ricki Lake, I have several areas in common but they are a different sort of breed of people, not in a negative sense. It's refreshing. Unpredictable. I tend to be a great at reading people, just not this one. They are a sweet & salty. I wish I knew what they really thought of me at different times so I could relax. haha...... Bottom line, friends are essential.

I wish that I care more about certain areas.

I wish I could care less in certain areas.

I wish that I did not feel like my thoughts will be taken as a pity-party, negative, judged or ignorant assumptions made. If that is you, please don’t read my post.

I wish that maybe people understood that I am trying to be bold with my lesser known thoughts because freeing my mind helps me survive. I do not believe that there is magic in my musings but I do believe in writing openly, honestly and downright vulnerable. Any other way of expressing yourself is a lie, I live that enough trying to hide from myself and others because I cannot seem to find my place with others.

I wish that I could not care about how my words will be interpreted.

I wish people knew that I am not being a pessimist, I am merely sharing genuine feelings. Yes, my thoughts can be taboo but I will say I recieve more praise for my honest writing, connecting with people.

So, what do I wish happened today? Perhaps to be a little more comfortable in my own skin. Maybe today is a start?

The Ugly Truth

I have learned a concrete truth through various challenges I have personally faced lately. People are simply going to talk, people are going to be how they wish to be with no discretion or apology. You can not always talk them into another way of being. It is frustrating to deal with people who seemingly have no connection with reality and/or human feelings. We learned as children, and we often tell our children, "Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I beg to differ. While obviously, there are some meaningless words that we can let roll off, while a greater portion are difficult to hear, much less forget. Our words hold great power. They can positively mold people. They can also completely dismantle a person with one single sentence. I am a firm believer that what is in your heart will not only spill out through the doors of your mouth, but ooze into how you treat others.

I have unfortunately been a person who has said things that I wished I could take back and I have also been on the receiving end of some of the most cruel vocabulary. It is very hard to forgive someone, especially when they repeat this offense numerous times over, leaving you feeling disfigured with each and every conversation. You constantly feel as if you are being bombarded by lies, cruelty, selfishness, attacks and unfounded notions. I often feel that conversations of this nature cause a little piece of who I am to fall away, never to be found again. I feel as if I am disintegrating. I despise being left to feel this way after speaking with people who say they 'love' you. Love should be given, lived, shared, and taught. Not used as decorative sprinkles on a compost cupcake. It takes no talent to sit back picking people apart for everything they do and everything they don't do to your personal standards.

I feel that life is a interesting thing. We all get dealt a different hand, and how we choose to face our challenges is up to us, not our spouse, parents, children or friends. It's a personal decision to sift through it, and you have two simple choices. Either you will be better for it, or you will sink and drown in it. I honestly do hurt for those that can not seem to grasp the 'branches' to save themselves from a rough road. In most cases when someone can not rise above trials, they often like to blame people that are closest in relation to them for their sorrow and misfortune. So that is where my heart truly goes out. It goes out to the people that are unrightfully plagued with blame, guilt, and cruelty. It is unfair to wallow in a circumstance that you created all your own, and the only thing that you can seem to do with it, is blame innocent people. Is it not time to swallow your pride and own your wrongdoing? Is it not time to respectfully ask for forgiveness from those that you have inflicted so much heartache to? Is it not time to realize that Father Time isn't slowing down the hands of time, what you have today is all that you can for sure count on? Why not rebuild, rather than tear down?

I also find a great injustice is when someone decides they will live the life they wish to live, taking no thought of how it will affect those they love in the long haul. Never considering that by being selfish they will cause people to question their own worth, wrestle with insecurity, leave them defeated, and if it goes on long enough, future relationships on many levels will suffer because they are emotionally crippled by what they have dealt with. Even more harsh, is when someone realizes how deep hurts run, and they ignore it. Just because you do not like something in life, or because you can't handle a situation, does not give you the right to rip apart others. Yes we are all human beings, we will all fail at this miserably at some point, there is no denying it. But, the fault is found in whether or not you stuff this less than desirable situation in a ziploc bag, cram it into your freezer to keep it.

I suppose I needed to get this off of my chest. Words are more important than our credit scores, they ultimately define us heavily in the eyes of others. I love games better than anyone, but the one I could live without, and so could everyone else, is the Blame Game. This game will never have a winner. Living arrogantly as if our decisions only affect us personally is worse than having 5 golf tees left in the Cracker Barrel game.

So I must say, that I deal with things regularly and I also know that there are many people who suffer in silence. I pray for these people and the people that bring about heartache. Because we serve a Great God, lets make it a point to pray over our friendships and relationships-- nothing but good could ever come from doing that!