What do I wish happened today?

Interesting how the simplest of questions opens the door to the most loaded answers. Buckle up.

Definition of Wish=> (verb) feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen.

I wish that I would have had another belly laugh like I did this afternoon in a coworkers office. The laughter sprang from something so completely ridiculous but it struck both of us just right, we laughed until we were wiping tears and holding our stomachs.

I wish that I felt completely at ease with at least 1 person on the planet. Life is full of twists, turns, places and people but it would be so nice to feel like I REALLY connected with someone. You often hear about people having that 1 friend that they do not have to explain themselves to. They don't hide their feelings, worry about them misinterpreting what is said, never questioning what they think about you, their loyalty runs deep. You are fully accepted, with your meaningless text, off the wall thoughts, attempts to make them laugh, they are not competing with you and they don't make you feel that your existence to them is wishy washy. Can I not joke around or say certain things without having to read off a short disclaimer of,

“The views or opinions expressed in this conversation are not meant to offend any person and do not necessarily reflect or represent the views or opinions shared by the person delivering this comedic conversation. Due to the social nature of this amateur comedian, the expressed jargon cannot be held against the person as they are quick with words and come prepared for a gun fight. Entering into a sarcastic conversation and/or rabbit trails with this person should be done with the understanding that topics are only discussed in an effort to cultivate interesting conversations and does not warrant the true feelings that person may have. The conversating person’s jokes should not be taken literally, realizing that the moderator possesses more of a balanced, rational perspective that they are given credit for. With this new information, please refrain from being small minded, full of yourself assuming they intend humor as real life, accepting the playfulness as innocent and merely an avenue to brighten your day. Thank you.”

I feel anxious when I try to be myself and then feel that the other person took me wrong, is uncomfortable or I am just too much. If I try to explain or apologize, it would be nice not getting kicked off to the side and end the day feeling worse, like something is wrong with me. I do not think I am anything special at all, in fact, my opinion of myself is polar opposite. I know what a nothing I am, that is part of the reason I feel so mind blown that I do have friends. Haha Always seems like people get to know me a little, then I am the shock of their life with who I am but I am too much, so they likely find themselves questioning the attraction for a person like me as a friend. Life is a short, precious gift. Opening myself up to others is not difficult, letting them in closer is a harder hurdle to jump. Those that make it, I try to exhaust myself with. I want to give them my time, my effort, my acknowledgment, my honesty, my anything because I value them. I love talking with people often. I want those in my life to feel that I see them, I pay attention to them, I care about them and they matter to me. I don't strive for this so that I can get something out of it but every once in a while, I wish I could be valued by those that I so admire. Just for a minute.

I wish I could click out of the tabs that stay open in my brain all of the time. The last 6 months have not presented themselves as 'friends' to me with so much heartache that 95% of those I come in contact with no nothing about. Truthfully, there has only been 1 person I have felt comfortable enough with to completely confide in. I don't really know why I have been drawn to that person because I know that deep down my issues do not matter to them, I'm not even sure I matter to them, yet I did manage to divulge regardless. Always seemed as though the timing was right. Having a heavy load on my mind, this person would render themselves willing to listen, just before I would want to break. It's hard to explain the attachment you have with another person. My philosophy has always been that you can find common ground with anyone. I don't care who they are, what walk of life, you can find something in common with another human being. The person I dumped my problems on like a episode gone wrong for Ricki Lake, I have several areas in common but they are a different sort of breed of people, not in a negative sense. It's refreshing. Unpredictable. I tend to be a great at reading people, just not this one. They are a sweet & salty. I wish I knew what they really thought of me at different times so I could relax. haha...... Bottom line, friends are essential.

I wish that I care more about certain areas.

I wish I could care less in certain areas.

I wish that I did not feel like my thoughts will be taken as a pity-party, negative, judged or ignorant assumptions made. If that is you, please don’t read my post.

I wish that maybe people understood that I am trying to be bold with my lesser known thoughts because freeing my mind helps me survive. I do not believe that there is magic in my musings but I do believe in writing openly, honestly and downright vulnerable. Any other way of expressing yourself is a lie, I live that enough trying to hide from myself and others because I cannot seem to find my place with others.

I wish that I could not care about how my words will be interpreted.

I wish people knew that I am not being a pessimist, I am merely sharing genuine feelings. Yes, my thoughts can be taboo but I will say I recieve more praise for my honest writing, connecting with people.

So, what do I wish happened today? Perhaps to be a little more comfortable in my own skin. Maybe today is a start?